[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
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Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
men are simple creatures
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.