If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
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[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.