I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
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were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five