I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
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Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
This is always good for a laugh.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.