Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
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5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*