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The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”