in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
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A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.