[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
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*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
giddy up Office Depot
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.