I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
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“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Me sliding into hell like
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL