I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
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When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
same vibe as tangled headphones
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.