If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
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“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.