“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
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I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
set yourself free xox
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.