Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
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[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows