Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
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Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Webb. James Webb.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
A ghost story
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.