Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
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When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?