I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
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her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night