Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
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Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Worlds greatest photobomb
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.