5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
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Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Fight
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal