“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
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When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
My dog ate my work from home.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.