“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
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Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL