Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
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I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.