(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
You Might Also Like
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”