The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
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Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.