Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
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Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Important reminders
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.