I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
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Kidney stones? Hard pass
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]