Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
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thanksgiving in nutshell
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts