I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
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back to work
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Got ya covered
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know