Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
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me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?