dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
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In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.