Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
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ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Britain be like
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”