My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
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Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one鈥檚 cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That鈥檚 a dead giveaway.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 馃檮
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
it鈥檚 a van. how do they not know this
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine鈥檚 Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box