Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
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Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Basically.