I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
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If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
*puts my mental health in rice
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.