“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
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Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.