I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
You Might Also Like
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…