Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
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I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of