Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
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Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Duck typos.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom