I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
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Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn