Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
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Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
❤️🦆
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.