I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
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6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.