Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
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If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
🤣🤣🤣
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
TRAIN’S HERE
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
FRED: right
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.