Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
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I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Worlds greatest photobomb
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Harsh but fair
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom