I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
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Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
The biggest mystery of our time
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Acronyms got me like WTF?