Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
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[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Gemma Correll
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857