To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
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I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???