The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
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In space, no one can hear…
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?