Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
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I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
The three genders.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
#MeanwhileinCanada
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.