“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
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My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person