“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
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Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Just this preview of the story is enough
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue