*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
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You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.